The past is never really past

The trouble with a traumatic breakup like the one I had is that it leaves some serious scars. Even once you get past any feelings you have for the Ex, the damage just doesn't go away. You think it has. You think you're ready to move on, start seeing people again, but it just...doesn't seem to work.

It's been a year and a half since my marriage broke up. I have no feelings for my Ex anymore. I can actually see her name without flinching and having flashbacks. I can look at her pictures and just think, no, it's ok. I'm ok now. I don't seek her out, but if a mutual friend mentions her or I see a comment she left on someone's Facebook, it doesn't send me into panic attacks or crying jags anymore. It took a very long time to get to this point, but I'm there.

I'm at the point now where I'd like to start dating again. Nothing serious, I think, but you know, getting out, seeing people, feeling like a desirable person again, that would be nice. So, as you do, I have been looking at lots of dating sites, setting up profiles, seeing what happens. And I've gotten some responses that seem quite promising. The problem? I just can't seem to do it.

I look at the profiles of people who are interested in me and I think: there's no way they'd really like me. I look at profiles of people I find attractive and I think, there's no way they'd want me. There's a sense of innate rejection and worthlessness that overcomes me and I just...can't. And it doesn't make sense, because I'm pretty awesome. I'm smart and funny and I think I'm kinda cute. I have opinions and ideas and a really good heart. I'm generous and supportive and I know how to be a really good partner.  No, I'm not terribly exciting, but I know who I am and I know how to accept others for who they are, but I'm left with the feeling that that just isn't enough.

And I know that comes from being in that place, in that room in Australia and hearing the person I loved more than anything, more than myself, tell me she was leaving for someone she'd never even actually met. It comes from being so disposable, so worthless that she couldn't even wait until I was out of the country before she was meeting up with the other woman. And I know, I KNOW, that I'm not worthless or disposable. I know I married a horrible person who did a horrible thing and that was on her, not me. But that doesn't stop the feeling. That doesn't make it any easier to put myself out there.